Cashing in on 2012, Sulemani style!

2 days to go for the new year, and as most hyderabadis stay home because of a telangana bandh, reminiscing the old year & contemplating the new, Shareef Miyan is taking a ' laang drive' in his friend Gilani Bhai's brand-naya auto to Tankbund. The weather's extremely awesome and a surprise winter rain is about to hit the city. Shareef Miyan whips out his yellow raincoat bought in 'Tawakkal Fashions' at Sultan bazar for 125 Rs. and a black cap that is actually 'Subah mein gosht ki dukaan pe dee so plastic ki packyt', and immediately puts 'em on.

GB: Kya hua, miyan?
SM: Baarish hoti shayad, aur apan tankbund ku jaare.
GB: Toh? mera naya auto waterproof hai yaaro. kyku fikar karre?
SM: Arey, Tonti-ttol [2012, the movie] nahi dekha? Naye saal ku logaa paani mein dubke mar jaate katey...
GB: Houuu??
SM: Hou, main to bolru, new year ki daawat Khairunnisa pe manayinge! tonti-ten, tonti-ttol, tsunami sulemani jo bhi aaye, apan safe rehte tankbund pe.
GB: Abba, kya pilanning banaye yaaro! Acha, new year ke din theek hai. sulemani woh din nahi aake, kab to bhi baad mein aaya to?
SM: Arey, important baat karre jab beech mein nakko toko bolke kitte baar bolna? Poora plan tereku bataya ich nahi abi. Tankbund kyku leke jaaru sochra? Main Khairunnisa pe paan-dabba kholne ka planning daaloun.
GB[pareshan pareshan]: Khairunnisa pe Paan-dabbaa??

SM: Hou!! Jab tsunami aati, aur loga dub jaate, to jab mera EK ICH paan-dabba reh jaata duniya mein. duniya ke poore goldflake, manikchand, chabaza ka ishtock mere kane ich rehta. Jab Survivoraa kiskaney aako jaate?
[Shouting] Jab Duniya ka King kaun? Mohammed Shareef Nazakhat!
[Surprisingly, rather than Bhiku, he flails his arms more like Leo & Kate]

GB [with a look of admiration in his face]: Maan gaye Ustad!
SM: Kisku?
GB: Tumhareku aur Khairunnisa ku!
SM: Jaanedo ab, zara paan-dabba dikha to roko!

'Banned'e Mataram, with good reason

Vande Mataram got issued a fatwa by JUH, Hindus backlash by saying Muslims aren’t patriotic, Javed Akhtar, some other idiots, blah, blah, blah, been listening to lots of people rant & blabber about the subject. I felt I had to blog about this… as a reply to other people’s validations & rationalizations. So here’s my perspective to all those intellectual discussions. Some of you may not agree with it but do I look like I care? Please feel free to read and get agitated!

Point #1
It is in the nature of Hindus to venerate any & every thing. So a stone can be God. A tree, a hill, even an Amoeba, Hey Bhagwan! Same to same, the concept of worshipping the ‘motherland’! It may be kosher in Hinduism to worship eleventy millionty thousand and something gods but not in Islam & Christianity – [There is only One God, Thou shalt worship no other Gods except him].
PLEASE UNDERSTAND THAT!
Thus, the concept of 'worshipping' the 'motherland' is kinda blasphemous to some people. Even Christians! I personally have been preached to about this stuff a lot – in church, at home, by people who are ultra-religious. To each his own! Whatever, but that doesn't give you a right to judge us.
So clearly, this isn’t an Indian tradition, mind you. It’s a Hindu Tradition. So the majority shoving this motherland crap down the minority’s throats in the name of patriotism is ridiculous.

Point #2
So now, patriotism & nationalism is reduced to singing a song? The Muslim leaders did say that they love India, but they cannot worship it because there are elements of idolatry in it that interfere with the basic tenets of Islam [& Christianity].
So why do you have a problem with that? Yes, some idiot issued a Fatwa but did you know that a Fatwa is not an automatic part of religious teaching & doesn’t necessarily impose universal acceptance by all Muslims. It is for the people to choose to follow it.
A Fatwa certainly does not mean you go and kill the person who breaks that law. So really, it isn’t such a big deal as you make it out to be.

Point #3
“People who can’t worship the country can leave the country”?
I thought Love was a stronger word than worship. There’s an element of fear in worshipping something, methinks! Why do I have to be afraid of my country?
And this dialogue, coming from people who keep cribbing day in and day out about our stupid society, about the city, the shit & how the system is never gonna change etc. just astounds me!

Point#4
Please stop to think that even though it is just a poem or whatever, a conservative person, when it comes to religion will take offence. Liberal-minded Javed Akhtar will not.

Point #5
Read the book! The context of the whole poem is offensive because hatred & atrocities against Muslims is a recurring theme in the book from which it is taken. Bankim Chandra Chatterjee has minced no words in saying that “We should destroy the cities of the Muslims and that these dirty people [sic] should be thrown away into the rivers.” Muslim houses are set on fire by the Sanatans or ‘sons of the motherland.’
Rabindranath Tagore has himself written somewhere that Vande Mataram has a concept of exclusionary nationalism and that it displays vitriol against a particular community.

And this same song was chosen to be our National Song?
Mother-effin-[land] Hilarious!

This is not a pro-minority article or an anti-majority article. I had to get this outta my system because I was tired of explaining shit to some thick-headed idiots out there. This is not about the Fatwa being justified or not. The Fatwa is most definitely idiotic. All i'm saying is Learn to respect minorities & their sentiments!
Written by an Indian who was born to a Hindu Mom, Christian Dad, raised in a Muslim neighborhood & studied in an Arya Samaj School… me!

Sit Sat Sleep

One of the better decisions made at my first agency was to declare saturdays off. And then there was the tricky task of conveying the news to all the blood-sucking whiny bitches a.k.a clients. The last thing we had to sound like was that we were slacking off. So this is what I came up with.

When I showed this scribble to my creative director, he just took a highlighter, marked one sentence where it said ALL SATURDAYS, took xerox copies of the note and decided to mail them across to all our clients. That's it! What you see is what the clients got!

Unfortunately, for all of us, my boss dictatorially revoked the Saturday Holiday Act of Dec 2007 a month later.
click to see bigger view

Ersatz Original Copy

I was rummaging through my old stuff, and guess what, I uncovered the first scribbling pad I used when I had started out in advertising. So on a whim, or a fancy, or a whimsical fancy, I shall post random stuff from that notepad that I must have jotted while stuck in boring meetings.
of course they will be funny. or weird. or both. or not.
So here are the thoughts & words of a young 22-year old copywriter, who thought the moniker to be really strange until he met the client servicing executives *tee hee*
Some of it might be useful for all you wannabe/upcoming copywriters out there. You obviously should have better things to do than reading this blog. Here goes...

#1: When writing content for stuck-up corporate clients, first write in layman's lingo, then right-click and select the most ridiculous synonym that pops up on the thesaurus. Bang, content approved!
example: Pseudo original copy becomes Ersatz Original Copy.

#2: Stuck-Up Corporate Clients Love, Errr... I Mean, Vehemently Adore Title-Case!

untitled

That clustermaps thing i got on my blog isn't doing any good to my ego. but evidently there's atleast one reader who checks my blog EveryDAY in the hope that i posted stuff. not sure if its a bunch of persons alternating or one single groupie or just a person with ocd.
in any case, i thank you my loyal reader/s and i promise i shall blog more often. just that life has been crazy lately and lots of shit has been hitting the fan.
But, of course, there's been the odd ray of sunshine. Too bad I can't remember what it was. Funny, how we tend to remember the stuff that pissed us off more than the stuff that made us happy. Or is it just me?
Oh yeah now i remember, i am now officially Associate Editor, 'we may be #2 in Hyd but we sure try harder' magazine.
still a long way to go, baby, praise me like you shouuuulldddddddddd
[whatever the frock happened to fatboy slim?]

Jai Ho & Pimp!

In life you meet many people. Some you hope to God to not see ever again. Some, you just know they are there and you don't give it another thought. But sometimes, if you are lucky, you get to meet incredible, awesome people. Then, as a gift from somewhere nice and cuddly, they become more than your friends. They become almost-family.
These past few days have been rough. Loads of work and some other bullshit that life wants to throw your way, I guess. In these screwed moments, the best eulogy I can think of is... penguins.
The harsh bitter cold comes washing in, and the only way to survive is by huddling up together. It's nature. We all need some sort of support to survive sometimes. We cannot do it alone. So we huddle as close as we can. Together we stand, right?
Wrong.
What do you do when the other penguins decide you're not worth it?

Independence Ho!

Two hundred and thirty-three years ago today, the Founding Fathers changed the world forever by signing the Declaration of Indepe… Oops, sorry wrong Independence Day opening dialogue! (Blame the BPOs, I tell you, can’t live with them, can’t live without them!)

Okay, let me start again: "At the stroke of the midnight hour, when the world sleeps, India will awake to life and freedom. A moment comes, which comes but rarely in history, when we step out from the old to the new… India discovers herself again", said Pandit Jawaharlal Nehru, the nation’s First Prime Minister on Indian Independence Day, 1947.

As a true patriot, I have absolutely no problem with the above paragraph except for the last part where it says ‘Indian Independence Day’.
I mean, ever wonder why we call it that? Because the last time I checked the annals of history, the British depended on India for cotton, silk, saffron, jewelry, indigo, perfumes, paper, grains, spices, raw material, labor and many other commodities and services.
So when I first heard this term in school, my interpretation was that it is the British Independence Day. I was soon “corrected” and it was explained to me that before 15th August 1947, WE were dependent on the British. I could never figure this out. I believe “independence” and “freedom” are two different words! Shouldn’t we call it “Liberty Day” or “Freedom Day”? How did “Independence” work in its way into the jargon? Or was that the parting shot of imperialism?

Anyway, 15th August is celebrated with much galore in our country. People revel more in the fact that it is a holiday rather than it being the day of birth of the world’s biggest democracy. In educational institutions, the national flag is hoisted by the Headmaster or the Watchman, whoever is available. People go to offices to attend the flag hoisting ceremony & hog the free sweets after that.
The Prime Minister of India addresses the whole Nation live after the flag has been unfurled at the Red Fort recounting the country's achievements of the year, discussing current issues and future plans for the progress of the country. And then after the Prime Minister’s telecast is over, Doordarshan shows “Gandhi – the movie”, for the umpteenth time. This glorious day is a matter of immense national pride for all of us, indeed.
Except, this national pride goes to garbage the next day when I see the flags lying around everywhere on the streets and municipal bins! It makes me wonder about the kind of citizens we are and the state we are living in.
So how would you describe India? Functioning anarchy? Upcoming superpower? Largest democracy? Largest technical manpower? Largest English speaking people on the planet? Highest number of illiterates? One of the most selfish & corrupt? How?

Okay, don't get me wrong. I love my country and am a product of its rich and varied heritage, the weird cultural collisions, fusions and all that melting pot stuff. And I think that’s what I love the most about India. Notwithstanding a few incidents every 10 years, 1 billion people from different religions, races and castes co-exist in the sweetest manner.
A case in point is when you are traveling in trains early mornings. The people in the train are so insufferable that you look outside for time-pass. And that is when you see it – people going about their ablutions next to the tracks.
Quite a sight to behold, people squatting in a row, with nothing more than a ‘lotta’ in hand, amongst them Ravi, Ali, Manpreet & George – people of different creeds – showcasing the true spirit of national integration.
What I am basically trying to say is, even when us Indians are in shit, we’re together. Nothing else matters. Jai Hind!

furfect saturday sayantram

lazing around, munching on murukulu,
watching aha na pellanta
Enta-ante-Anta-tainment! :)

2008 - A Love Story

Oh, when i saw one girl in 2008, it felt like...

like a blossoming rose...
like a poet's dream...
like a ray of bright sunshine...
like a deer in the forest...
like a moonlit night...
like a mellifluous word...
like a dazzling lamp in a temple...

Oh yeah, when i saw that girl, it felt like that!


Note: If you thought the lyrics sounded cheesy, trying singing them in tune with the original!

My Tribute to MJ

An artist who 'changed the face' of the music industry... [lol]

a person who touched generations of people, mostly young kids... [ewww]

a man who used to hate injections until his doctor told him all he'd feel was a small prick... [hehe]

the last thing he was arrested for was - cardiac arrest... [ouch, i know, below the belt, but that's where he likes it, heha, double entendre]

sadly his heart couldn't just beat it. [ am on a roll]

he will live on forever cos plastic don't decompose. [myuuahaahaaa]

end

dead man moonwalking...

cherubims & seraphims beware!

It's NOT mean if you make fun of a dead pedophile junkie!
enough with the rips already, whats the world coming to?! just because the man (?) was an obscenely talented musician doesnt mean you overlook his actions & mourn his death. he dangled babies outta balconies, for crying out loud! and thats, like the least of his crazy acts. anyway, may MJ the musician r.i.p, while the world is now minus one ultra deranged psychopath & a better place for you and for me.

softly...

Softly the dew dropped from the leaf
signaling arrival of the morn,
tis dawn already?, exclaimed our hero
“I love my new stack of porn.”

I suspect that there is a black hole in my room that sucks up all my handkerchiefs and socks.

friday evening...

Carnatic music. Payasam. Bliss.

Chronicles of Shareef miyan

He started out without any worldly advantages in life, and had come up the hard way. Born to a rickshaw puller in Chintalbasti, he worked his way up the ladder of the hospitality industry – selling palli-bataani, onto chaat bandis, tea stalls, Irani hotels to when finally, by what only seemed to be the Grace of the mighty Prophet (PBUH), he landed a plush job in the climate-controlled environs of Café Coffee day, dsnr. Till one day, all his dreams came crashing down…

SM: Saar, order?
Customer: yeah, one café Latte!
SM: hou Laatu saar, kaunsa bolo?

Shareef miyan – done in by a classic case of Hyderabadi Tourette’s

ps: only a true hyderabadi can comprehend this joke.

As she stood...

As she stood at the bus-stop in Koti watching him walk away with another girl, a single sparkling tear fell from her cheek onto the footpath, then slid onto the side of the road, and into the drainage pipe, there to join its course into the not-so-mighty-anymore waters of the river Musi, and eventually the Hussainsagar, where that solitary tear splattered into his eyes, as the other woman playfully splashed water on him, as they were boating on the Khairunnisa.
Within 10 days, the man was rendered blind.

Morals of the story
#1: Never scorn a woman’s love.
#2: Never go boating in Hussainsagar's dangerous dirty waters
#3: Don’t read my blog expecting sensible stuff

Voices in my head

- "One child dies every minute from AIDS."
"Isn't that sad?"
"Hey, children shouldn't be having sex."
"They get it from their parents!"
"Their parents shouldn't be having sex with them!"

yes, we deserve a bullet in the head!

Hairy Situation

lent has started. usually i don't shave the whole 40 days. don't ask me why. i just don't do it.
maybe i wanna look like santa claus and confuse the kids just to prove a point.
but this time around, i forgot to do the customary clean shave before embarking on the path of anti-shave-it-ism.
its just been two days of lent and the last time i shaved was, pata nahi kab, so i look like a bearded bear and now i have landed myself in a hairy situation. i have some pretty important meetings lined up this weekend and now i am in a quandary.
this quandary is a place between where i'm sitting now and the nearest barber shop.
an important decision, no? do i sacrifice my ideals & my beliefs and go shave, will god forgive me, will i burn in hell? do i say a prayer - forgive me lord, for i have sinned, i have shaved, my face is naked, i am shamed. i don't know.
but i know one thing for sure and all the guys will agree with me on this. as a kid, i have always been excited to grow hair. I still remember when i was 13, and hair had just started sprouting in various places. Boy, was that fun. ! I would mark its growth, and fertilize and water it, hoping it would come just a little fuller.
Well CONGRATS to myself , because my wish has been fulfilled… about 6 times over in fact. At first i thought maybe it was just god's way of reminding you to do the sign of the cross. Face, crotch, armpit, armpit.
Awww, thank you Lord and Savior! But then what do u do when he goes a little overboard and draws the cross out all the way, and then extends it to your back like some kind of cross vest. Right now I've got a full robe made entirely of hair.

Wohkay I'm joking, it's not that bad… yet, but you may need to take precautionary action. When you wanna give me a hug, and my hair clings back, that's a little too much for me n maybe for you too..
But people, don't ask me to shave OH NO NO!! i'll just trim it a little if i feel so obliged. Personally I'm not ashamed of my hair. i am told chicks dig it.
dig on baybysu :)

except a webcam chat with her first thing in the morning.

the first one i've had with somebody in like forever.
just awesome.

nothing and i mean nothing beats reading a mail from her first thing in the morning :)

shit happens...







usually in the mornings.

sometimes during the day too.

god i hate getting up early. just received a pseudo-order from australia demanding that i wake up early so conversations may happen, early morning for me, nice sunny afternoon for her.
i am enn oh tee not a morning person ra.
unblink.